Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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