I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
