May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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