from now on my penis is your penis
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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