Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
