I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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