Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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