I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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