I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
