im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
