So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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