if you like me you must not know who I am
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
