i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
