you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
did i just pee glitter
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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