What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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