you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Success! We fucked roommates!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
