Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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