I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
