Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Randomize
