I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
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In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
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Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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