Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
