So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
