DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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