I puked a lego.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
