i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
