i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
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She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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