I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
