no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
