im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
