i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
