My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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