Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
