You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
