Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
