that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
