but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
