I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
