I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
