Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
we're so committed to being not committed
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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