Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
