Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
