so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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