i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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