She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My life is pants optional.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
