woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
