you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
