Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
