What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
