How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
