how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
