we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
