so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
