I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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