They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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