He disabled his match.com account in front of me
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
well, you know. whores of a feather.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
