sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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