peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
