update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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