Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
